I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
