Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
