I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
