Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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