Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
