i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
