my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
