ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
