capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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