Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
