We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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