Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
