You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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