I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
