Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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