I want to have your abortion
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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