He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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