Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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