I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
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