the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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