She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
