after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
