I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
That accounts for only three of the penises
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Randomize
