i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
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