If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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