This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I have already put on my inside pants.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
