she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
