after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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