just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
