white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
