I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
