Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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