I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
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she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
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He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Pants are for mortals
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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