I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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