I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
