What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
