you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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