Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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