Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
