So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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