This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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