I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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