I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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