4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Jerry, you need to find god
Four minutes until I can fart!
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
