i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
