my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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