I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
