dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
