im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
