News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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