we have officially lost it.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
