I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
