I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
